David Stern Unveils Plans To Use New Flaming Basketballs

Finally succumbing to pressure from various league superstars, NBA commissioner David Stern has consented to change the league's basketball. Rather than go back to their old leather ball, however, Stern says the NBA will now use balls that have been soaked for three days in kerosene, and then set on fire.

The new basketballs have been ordered and are shown to the right arriving at league headquarters.

"We think this is progress," Stern told a group of reporters at Madison Square Garden before tonight's Knicks vs. Celtics game. "We tried the new Spalding microfiber ball, but we heard a lot of complaints, and I think it's important to be sensitive to players saying things like, 'Waaaah, my fingers are cut, waaaaah, this ball is terrible.' So if they don't like that, we'll see how they like going into halftime with third degree burns on 80% of their body."

Told that Steve Francis' right thumb had been burned completely off during a morning shootaround, Stern replied, "Boo freaking hoo."

The change of basketballs is bizarre, but consistent with Stern's recent behavior. Stern has ruled unilaterally and without consulting players on a number of issues, from the basketball, to the clothes that must be worn on and off the court, to the distance that wristbands must be from a player's elbows, to the way a player must stand during the playing of the national anthem.

Stern interrupted his impromptu press conference when he saw Jerome James arrive at the Garden with his entire torso wrapped in gauze, and carrying an IV. Stern made sure to personally notify James that he would be fined for not adhering to the league's dress code.

James tried to mumble, "God dammit, that's not fair," but couldn't because his lips had been burned off.

Stern forced the NBA's Developmental League to run a trial game with the new balls last night, as the Los Angeles D-Fenders played host to the Colorado 14ers. The game ended in a scoreless tie after the official, wearing as asbestos glove, threw the opening tip-off into the air, and both teams ran for cover. The entire 48 minutes passed with no one touching the ball, and late in the third quarter, D-Fenders guard Chet Mason began roasting marshmallows, which he then gave to the 42 firemen that will have to be courtside at every game from now on.