Crawford vs. Duncan: The Tale of the Tape

Posted Apr 17, 2007 4:25AM By mjd (RSS feed)

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In an effort to get a better understanding of who would win the proposed brawl between NBA ref Joe Crawford and NBA superstar Tim Duncan, let's break things down here. With much respect to Nick Bakay, here's the Tale of the Tape.

	Joe Crawford	Tim Duncan
Lineage:	Comes from the most respected officiating family in history	His father is a Tibetan Monk and his mother is the Statue of Liberty
	Advantage: Crawford
Reach:	Barely long enough to get his hands in position to make a "T"	84 inches
	Advantage: Duncan
Fighting Style:	Biting, the windmill, groin-punching, etc.	Reads you poetry until you fall asleep, and then pays Francisco Elson $20 to beat you to death with a lead pipe
	Advantage: Push
Snaps into a rage when:	Anyone in his general vicinity experiences a pleasurable human emotion	Insufficient data available
	Advantage: Crawford
Also excels at:	Ejecting Don Nelson	Swimming
	Advantage: Push
In his free time:	Does it matter? I don't think anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons has ever won a fight.	Plays Dungeons and Dragons
	Advantage: Crawford
Learned the ropes from:	"Dangerous" Danny Davis	David Robinson
	Advantage: Duncan
Posse Members:	Dick Bavetta, who's almost as fast as Charles Barkley and wears five pairs of socks every night	Tony Parker, who is French, Robert Horry, who is 53, and Manu Ginobili, who will instinctively fall down if Crawford even balls up his fist
	Advantage: Crawford
Nicknames:	"That Stubby Ref Who Wanted to Fight Tim Duncan."	"The Big Fundamental"
	Advantage: Duncan

The numbers, in a huge upset, give the slight edge to Joe Crawford.

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

4-17-2007 @ 10:09AM

Jamie Mottram said...

Hilarious. Welcome back, MJD.

4-17-2007 @ 10:49AM

Nate said...

Dangerous Danny Davis...now that's bringin it back

4-17-2007 @ 12:33PM

Jared said...

This actually made me laugh out loud at work.

4-17-2007 @ 1:21PM

Garrett said...

It's sad that an official has to stoop that low to go after perhaps one of NBA's most " gentle giants " in that sport today, Tim Duncan. I think Crawford needs to be let go more than Don Imus ever did

4-17-2007 @ 1:57PM

G said...

MJD...Damn,that was funny. I think you missed your calling.

4-17-2007 @ 3:43PM

Reads you poetry until you fall asleep, and then pays Francisco Elson $20 to beat you to death with a lead pipe.
I dont know why but i can not read this comment without laughing.

4-17-2007 @ 4:02PM

atlantis360indy said...

hilarious keep it up. anyone who takes the fight thing seriously just needs to chill it was a sarcastic sort of joking fight request i dont think he should have been suspended either

4-17-2007 @ 4:46PM

tedfio1 said...

MJD = GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!

GARRET, PLEASE CHILL OUT!!!!!!!

4-17-2007 @ 6:36PM

andrew said...

this was one of the funniest things i have seen in a while made me laugh outloud at work too.

4-17-2007 @ 7:22PM

keith A. Beal said...

This was a mean nothing game to both teams. Duncan was taunting Crawford for an earlier T. He was put in his place, but had it been during an meaningful game it would have been handle privately. Stearns is the villian here.

4-17-2007 @ 7:37PM

Rick E said...

It is sad that Crawford in his old age has stooped this low, but maybe it's time in his life for retirement.

4-17-2007 @ 9:19PM

George said...

About time the refs were held responsible for their actions. Everything needs checks and balances and the refs have had none.

4-17-2007 @ 11:42PM

F.Saenz said...

Referees, in any sport are supposed to be immune to any taunting from anyone who are not on the playing floor. Had Crawfors's actions against Duncan not been corrected, Crawford would have next be issuing technicals against the fans for their jeering and then having the fans ejected from the stands. Watch it Mr. Stern, you would have been next for a "T".

4-18-2007 @ 12:53AM

mike said...

you are a white man there for you are at furt,i bit the black man called you a racest,all he has to do now is called al sharpton or jacksoc or naacp or aclu o dam why call any one the white people will bow down and kiss ther ass,.

4-18-2007 @ 1:34AM

michele said...

Anyone know how I can write to Joe Crawford? Is there a website for officials or something similar? Gotta get my 2 cents in with him. LOL

Thanks a bunch! - Michel

4-18-2007 @ 4:47AM

teri said...

I'M so with Joe on this one.He's been doing this long enough to remember when players had respect, not these players today.Make a call against them now, they are totally disrespectful.I love basketball,But these players are spoiled ,overpaid,BABYS!!!!

4-18-2007 @ 9:31AM

paulspur1 said...

How dare you!! Tim's mother died several years ago and his father a few years ago! How can you be so insensative to use that comparison!! Joke how ever you want but leave the family out! This is typically of Dallas fans not thinking before speaking or writing! I do not like Mavs very, in particular Dirk and his actions, but I would never say anything about his family. I would not like it very much if people talked about my family, and I don't think you would either! This only shows the low class Mavs fans have to attack a persons family! Say what you want, I find some very funny, but when it comes to family JUST LEAVE IT OUT!!!

4-18-2007 @ 9:32AM

To all who thinks making fun on ones mother when she is passed away, please take a step down the ladder of humanity. Yes make fun of someone but not one's dead mother. You all may say 'Chill out dude!', but if it were your mother, what then? I go to several sports blogs throughout the country, but I seem to find more attacks about ones parents (mother in particular) on Mavs blogs then any place else. Even Laker fans have more class. Yes make fun of Tim, Kobe, Shaq, or anyone else, but LEAVE FAMILY OUT OF IT!!! I have my mother and father, thank God, but your comments about lineage is totally un-called for. I have forward this to the NBA and AOL. One should never attack, make bad comments, or otherwise make sarcastic remarks about one's parents, espically if they are DEAD!!!! Low class for you to post such comments and to those who laughs, lets see how you feel when you loose either one of your parents and if you have already lost a parent, then you should be more respectful to others that have lost theirs because you know how it feels. I really thought that Mavs fans had some class. Well, I guess I was wrong.