We Will Win! Says a Real Hawk, Through Translator Dominique Wilkins

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: a real live hawk/minority owner named Spirit, as translated by Atlanta great Dominique Wilkins.

Spirit: <screeeeeeeech, screech screech>

'Nique: Spirit says that the Hawks organization is proud to be eligible for postseason play for the first time in nine years. Controlling ownership of the franchise, a group of which Spirit is a member, would like to congratulate the Hawks players and staff on a truly remarkable achievement. He would also like to thank the fans for sticking in there during the down years, and hopes they feel as excited about the team's bright future as he is.

Spirit: <screeech, screech screech>

'Nique: However, due to extenuating circumstances, the Hawks regret to announce we will be forced to forfeit Games 1 and 2 of our first-round playoff series against the Boston Celtics. Postseason travel expenses were not accounted for in the organization's annual budget planning process. We have looked at the numbers, and unfortunately will not be able to squeeze in the costs of jet fuel for the round trip to Boston. We looked into every option, including but not limited to: renting a party bus, stowing away on an aircraft carrier, and hitchhiking. However, management has determined that none of these options are feasible, necessitating the forfeit off both games slated for Boston.

Spirit: <screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech>

'Nique: As a result of our forfeit of Games 1 and 2, National Basketball Association commissioner David Stern has forced us to also forfeit Games 3 and 4 at home, and will announce tomorrow that the Celtics have won the series by default. Further, Commissioner Stern has informed management that next season, the league will not schedule any NBA games for Atlanta. Instead, the Hawks will be relegated to the Developmental League. We will be allowed to participate in the Developmental League draft; however, all players currently under contract will be required to play for the Hawks for the duration of their contracts. In Atlanta's stead, the Dakota Wizards will be promoted to the NBA. They will forced to change their mascot, though, and we've been told they will referred to as the "Dakota Boom Tho."

Spirit: <screech>

'Nique: Spirit and the entire Hawks organization would like to thank you for your continued support. Be sure to visit our Pro Store in the Northwest section of the concourse. We are offering a 10% discount on all Shelden Williams and Tyronn Lue merchandise.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky | Clutch

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.