We Will Win! Says Detroit's Hooper

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Detroit's Hooper.

<speaks to woman in passenger seat> Can you see out of the windshield now, Kathy? Yeah? Good. You would not beeelieve how messy running down a mutant rabbit can be. That idiot got his Hip-Hop all over my H2. For that reason only do I hope Orlando beats Toronto. The Raptor might cause a ding.

Can you believe these freaking gas prices? I was talking to Tay this morning at the practice facility (working on him my lats, can you tell?) and he said his crew was rollin' in Priuses now. I'm like, you make $8 million a year man! You don't need to downgrade, just like I don't need to downgrade from my H2 to a Yaris or something. <maniacal laughter> Yaris! Can you believe such a world, where champion mascots from the National Basketball Association drive fuel-efficient cars to save money?

But Tay, you know, he was talking about making a stand against foreign oil, so his crew bought these Priuses ... like four of them. They took them to the Junkyard Dog's mod shop to get the gasoline part of the system changed to biofuel. Tay's got a hookup on peanut oil -- he does commercial for this Chinese food joint over in Midtown, but instead of cutting that check they pay him in used peanut oil! Sucker smells like wonton soup! You can actually smell his fleet like two blocks away. He says it's cool, it makes him stand out, he's helping the planet. I'm like, "Whatever man, you smell like wonton soup."

<looks at pump, which clicks off> $86! Are you f@$#ing kidding me?! I wasn't even on E yet, damn. <pokes head in passenger window> Hey Kat, call up Tay. I need to discuss some peanut oil procurement with dude.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky | Clutch | Spirit

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.