We Will Win! Says Mavs Man

As we await the beginning of the NBA Playoffs on April 19, team mascots explain why their team will win. Next up: Mavs Man.

I CANNOT HEAR YOU! C'mon Mavs fans, I really can't hear you. <clears throat> LET'S GO DAL-LAS! <clap clap clap-clap-clap> LET'S GO DAL- ... oh, screw you all. I'm not your monkey. <walk off the court>

Mavs Man, it's a weird existence, you know? Like, other mascots have an identity beyond their job. Moondog tends bar in a hotel lounge in the offseason. Coyote writes essays for Yankee Pot Roast. Stuff plays bass in a Yes tribute band. The Raptor was a stunt double in Good Luck Chuck.

But me? I mean, my name is Mavs Man, for crissakes. It's very limiting. And these unsightly cracks in my skin? I wasn't born with those; Cuban made me get them tattooed on to look "more authentic" for the fans. Yeah, more authentic. I don't even know what the Hades I'm supposed to be?! Man, when I signed up for this gig I figured I'd be rocking a Tommy Lee Jones type outfit, or at least John McCain. I had no clue I'd be getting sunglasses permanently implanted onto my face and tattoos to give me cracked "authentic" skin. I had no idea I'd lose the name my mother, God rest her soul, gave me.

Being a mascot looks fun, sure. We get to wear roller blades at work. We can carouse with cheerleaders and Jack Nies. We can shoot t-shirts at children and stare at women without anyone knowing. Yeah, it looks like glitz and glamour. But there's a cost, a real heavy cost. You gain worldwide fame and notoriety ... but you lose yourself. You lose yourself.

Go Mavericks.

Previous FanHouse Expert Predictions:
The Raptor | Gorilla | Moondog | Hugo the Hornet | Coyote | Lucky | G-Wiz | Former Laker Girl | Stuff | Bear | Hip-Hop | Rocky | Clutch | Spirit | Hooper

Covering our ass: This is, in fact, parody.