By theory, the NBA Draft Lottery (tonight at 7:30 p.m. Eastern) is left to randomness. But what if a set of malevolent Basketball Gods, hellbent on upsetting the Order of the League, driving the depressed into further hopelessness, and rewarding only those with misguided or evil intentions, dictated the results? (Note: These malevolent Basketball Gods were responsible for Robert Horry and the Shaq-Marion trade.) Close your eyes and imagine such a world ...

#1 Pick: Seattle SuperSonics. Clay Bennett's already been rewarded by the forces in receiving approval for his relocation to Oklahoma City. But Bennett hates Seattle, and if the Basketball Gods feel the same, they'd totally gift Bennett the choice of Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose to pair up with Kevin Durant as the wagon rides into the dark, dark night. Hell, maybe with the #1 pick in toe, the Sonics can have one final, wildly exciting season in Seattle, just to rub salt in Seattle's gash (which is, of course, in its back).

#2 Pick: Miami Heat. Let's set aside Pat Riley's well-documented relationship with Satan. (They're half-brothers.) Look at the team Riley sent onto the court in March and April! No offense to the D-League purists among us, but if Kasib Powell and Blake Ahearn are regularly starting games for you at this point, you deserve a little anti-karma on the tanking front. The Basketball Gods seem to reward Riley for all of his other transgressions (trading for Jason Williams and Antoine Walker at the same time, knifing a Van Gundy), so why not the most unabashed tanking south of Boston 2007 in modern NBA history?

#3 Pick: Memphis Grizzlies. FH bro Matt Moore pleaded Memphis's case, but no one can justify the hack job Chris Wallace Michael Heisley did in selling Pau Gasol to the lowest bidder. Flexibility is one thing. Unabashed frugality for the goal of selling the team is unadulterated sin. If Heisley gets rewarded by way of Rose, evil has won.

Join NBA FanHouse at 7 p.m. Eastern for a live blog of the lottery, hosted by Brett Edwards.