Starting you off on the long road to divorce and estrangement from your family is New Orleans at Orlando at noon. So after opening presents, enjoying your Christmas morning coffee, and inevitably calling your sister to ask why she hated you enough to buy your kid that obnoxious talking Monk doll or plotting to return the sweater that your grandmother got you for an iPod charger, you can sit back, relax, and watch Tyson Chandler and Dwight Howard beat the crap out of each other.

Then the blood rivalry resumes with San Antonio traveling to Phoenix at 2:30PM EST for what should be a warm and happy holiday greeting between the two teams as Amare Stoudemire tries to go Silent Night, Deadly Night on the team that's bounced him from the playoffs two years in a row, while Bruce Bowen attempts to give Steve Nash the gift he's never wanted, two severed Achilles' and a partridge in a pear tree.

The 5PM EST game features an opportunity for the league to show off two of its lesser known, small market clubs when the Boston Celtics visit the Los Angeles Lakers. We're told there's some gentleman named Kevin Garnett who likes to eat people, and that a man named Kobe Bryant shines red whenever his Spanish cohort Pau Gasol misses an entry pass, so we can only assume this is the "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Maniacal Return MVP" portion, with Garnett playing the part of the Abominable Snowman. It's not known at this point whether Sasha Vujacic will be playing the elf.

TNT then takes over for a nighttime doubleheader, starting with a matchup that speaks to the spirit of giving Christmas is really about as the Washington Wizards take on the Cleveland Cavaliers in Q Arena at 8PM EST. Because really, what says more about giving than DeShawn Stevenson running around with his hand over his face while Gilbert Arenas does strange things and the guy that reportedly would leave the NBA for $50 million a year dunks on everyone? Tis better to give Tuff Juice than to receive.

The nightcap, if the turkey hasn't rendered you unconscious or if your significant other hasn't burned the house down around you, features the Dallas Mavericks versus the Portland Trailblazers at 10:30PM EST. This is similar to Santa riding off on his sleigh into the night after delivering presents to all the boys and girls, expect in this case, it's Jason Kidd flying the Mavericks back into the mediocrity from which they came, while Portland gets to play with all the new toys they got, like Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez, and of course, Santa Jaws, Greg Oden.

So roughly 13 hours of basketball, on a day you have off and will probably be spending with your family on some level. Here's a hint. Jewelry. Big, expensive jewelry. The season is announced! We're almost there!