If Malevolent Basketball Gods Ruled the NBA Draft Lottery

By theory, the NBA Draft Lottery (Tuesday at 8:00 PM ET) is left to randomness. But what if a set of malevolent Basketball Gods, hellbent on upsetting the Order of the League, driving the depressed into further hopelessness, and rewarding only those with misguided or evil intentions, dictated the results? (Note: These malevolent Basketball Gods are responsible for Bruce Bowen, General Manager Isiah Thomas and the Vancouver Grizzlies.)

Close your eyes and imagine how the ping pong balls would bounce if malevolence ruled tonight's lottery ...

1. Golden State Warriors. While Blake Griffin doesn't hold LeBron-Dwight-Kwame status as "can't miss MVP candidate of the future," he is pretty much a sure thing: there is little room for failure which would keep Griffin from being a longtime good starter at worst in this league. Notorious rookie butcher Don Nelson (above) can investigate that little room for failure. Trust me.

2. Los Angeles Clippers. Any time Lady Luck encourages a team which has acquired Zach Randolph in the past 12 months, it's bad news for Planet Earth. (Further, if the Clippers slide into position to draft Griffin, that would ensure another team would acquire Randolph within 12 months! When will the carnage end?!?) I'll offer three more words on why it would take true evil to hand a top-3 pick to the Clippers: Rubio. Plus. Dunleavy.

3. Washington Wizards. I'm worried about trendsettting here. Last year, Dwyane Wade is injured and sits most of the season. The Heat get the No. 2 pick and return to the playoffs (as the fifth seed) immediately. If the Wizards add a Griffin, Hasheem Thabeet or Tyreke Evans, and slide in as, say, the fourth seed next year ... well, we're going to start a trend. Larry Bird will be kneecapping Danny Granger by Christmas. (Of course, as with all things, it takes the league more than a decade to catch up to the Spurs' strategy. Speaking of which, isn't it about time for Tim Duncan and Tony Parker to mysteriously sit out for a year ...?)