And Now, The Dumbest Jersey Thief Ever

When I was six, I lifted a pack of gum from a grocery store. I was quickly busted by my mom as I tried to eat the gum, immediately, in the car. After my Dad got through with me, including, and this was not the most severe bit, duct taping the window shut, removing the light bulb and putting a towel at the door overnight when I was afraid of the dark, he asked me a question. "What could you possibly have been thinking?"

There's a dude in San Antonio that makes six-year-old me look like a freaking genius.

Our story begins at the house of San Antonio Spurs superstar point guard Tony Parker.

According to the San Antonio Express-News, Christopher James Carolan was working as a security guard at Parker's home while some construction was being done on the house. And by "house" I mean his ranch estate. Because he's Tony Parker and makes an obscene amount of money making rap records. And occasionally winning NBA championships. Parker was having a gymnasium built at the estate and Carolan was working for a security firm during that time. You know, because when he's not recording French rap albums, or hanging out with his wife, Eva Longoria Parker, he wants to get a workout in. Hard life for that guy.

So one day, one of Parker's jerseys goes missing. This jersey is a Michael Jordan autographed jersey, valued at approximately $20,000. At this point you may have wondered how our economy could possibly have developed problems, but let's keep moving. The next day, a Craigslist ad is listed for a Michael Jordan autographed jersey. Huh, what a coincidence.

The seller was of course Carolan, who was later identified by the buyer in a lineup. Here's the kicker. Carolan sold the jersey, again, valued at $20,000, for $120. His fingerprints were also found on the envelope which contained the letter of authenticity, which was found... in the freaking gym.

So, let's recap. The guy stole an autographed jersey of the greatest player in NBA history from the place he was supposed to be guarding, which belongs to current NBA superstar Tony Parker. He then left the envelope with the certificate of authenticity lying on the floor of the place he stole it. Then, after taking it home with him, he posts an ad on Craigslist.org to sell a pretty easily identified item. It's not like autographed Michael Jordan jerseys are just lying around. And when he does sell the jersey, he sells it for $120, when it's valued at $20,000.

Carolan's asking for probation instead of jail time. Normally, I'd be supportive of this, since it wasn't a violent crime and just seems like an incredibly, amazingly, obscenely stupid mistake. My only concern is that he may be too dumb to be allowed on the streets.

So the next time you decide to steal an autographed piece of memorabilia from the home of the NBA player you're guarding and then try and sell it online for a minute fraction of its worth... wait. Here's an idea. Don't steal an autographed piece of memorabilia from the home of the NBA player you're guarding and then try and sell it online for a minute fraction of its worth. Deal? Deal.